Reveling in the mystery
...the beauty of not knowing
“When you surrender control of life’s outcomes,
Reaching the Sun – April Green
things always work out better than you could ever imagine.
And even though you may not receive what you
originally wanted, you will receive something more,
something unexpected, something in line with
where you are destined to be.
(The Universe knows what is best for you.)”
A song I’m currently obsessed with:
Waiting for something to happen blocks us from seeing what is already happening
I have come to a very definite realisation, an illumination – I enjoy my life undeniably more when I’m not waiting for something to happen, when I’m not waiting for a good outcome, or a better experience.
It’s not that I don’t welcome anything that does happen – it’s just that I’m not waiting for anything to happen. I’m simply in a place where I have no expectations for something to happen that I think will make my life any more enjoyable than it already is.
Waiting is a grip that holds us back from seeing that what we already have is enough – it holds us back from truly living.
I spent a large part of my life rejecting my life because I was in a state of waiting for the next moment to come along. I thought that a better moment would spontaneously appear and take away the feelings of restlessness and discontentment. I was missing out on the simplicity of life – the magic, the inhales, the little things, because of an expectation, a need for it to become something else.
If you have read my blog posts, you will know that it took many many years, physical illness, and addiction, before I discovered for myself that the answer is always within. I had to heal myself. When you heal the inside; when you learn about yourself, when you find out how and why you respond to life the way you do, and when you consciously practice the art of presence, you start to become life. It no longer feels as though life is happening to you, but for you.
Wanting causes emptiness—it makes you feel as though you lack something; as though you have a hole inside you that needs to be filled. So you try to fill it, but you use something outside of yourself; something that doesn’t belong to you, something that only causes more wanting and more emptiness. Then you get caught in a never-ending, empty cycle of wanting and aching and searching and breaking, until you finally come to learn that the thing you want is an illusion, and the thing you lack is belief. The belief that you already have everything you need inside you. That you are already whole, already worthy, and already more than enough—just as you are.
The barriers that seeking, wanting, and needing create:
The more aware you become, the more you will be able to see that you are good enough already, and if there is something you need to change, it can be changed without pain.
When we don’t feel good enough as we are, we start to think that we will feel better when we get a certain thing, or achieve a certain status, or reach a certain goal. We start to form a false belief that feeling better comes from having instead of from simply being. The agitation, the buzzing feeling, the disconnectedness, the restlessness, is caused by a mental activity that stops when you get the thing, and starts back up again seconds after you get the thing. It starts again almost immediately because receiving the thing happens in the now and the mental activity of seeking is based on past and future programming – it just can’t operate in the now. This is why a lot of us feel dissatisfied when we get what we think we want. It arrives in the now, and a lot of us can’t sit in the now because it means we have to sit with ourselves. So we get what we think we want, and then we move onto wanting something else.
Feeling good “now”
My life took me on a profound and, at times, traumatic journey, but the study of spirituality taught me a very valuable lesson: if you only think you’re going to feel better in the future, you are sending a strong signal to the Universe that you’re not feeling good now. This alerts the survival instinct to take you away from the present moment, which starts another loop of seeking something else.
A lot of my daily practice, and my writing centres on the power of presence. I have learned how crucial it is to my health and well-being to feel good now. I have learned to feel good enough now. I finally understood that the cycle of pushing and pulling—the action of searching and doing and having and holding on—would never end until I stayed present enough to see the destructive pattern.
As presence becomes the default, the entirety of you moves into the foreground. You become who you already are—peace and contentment, and that relief alone is what brings you back to life. Then, you just keep on returning to life. You start seeing the value in living in the moment. You start feeling the power of living in the moment. You start dis-identifying with the mental activity that is trying to pull you away from this beautiful space.
“But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there.”
― Banana Yoshimoto
Some of the worst moments of my life have turned out to be blessings
Instead of interpreting life, and worrying about things that could happen, (and are therefore not true), learn to embrace the art of not knowing. Practice cultivating the art of simply trusting—because this is where the magic lies there.
Some of the worst moments of my life have turned out to be blessings and I wrote about this in a recent blog post
“When you can revisit your past through the lens of gratitude, it stops having the such a negative power over you. When you see that some of the experiences that were so painful to you were actually doorways to growth, the narrative about the past starts to shift.“
If you resonate with this altered way of looking at the past, then hopefully you can see that whatever is happening now, no matter how difficult it might feel, will one day turn out to be a blessing. You just don’t know what that blessing is yet, and that’s the part you can learn to accept and embrace. You can soften into the unknown a little more – surrender to life a little more, and ultimately learn to be fully available to witness all the many blessings life is handing you.
Uncertainty is the only certainty we have
I feel very fortunate to have cultivated a daily routine that seems to run on its own. There is a simplicity to my life which I consciously began to nurture when I got sober nearly 8 years ago. Routine is invaluable to me, as is consistency, and I will be writing a blog post about this soon, but the rest of the time, I try to remain as close to the breath of life as I can. I am here, and there is harmony here.
I am living in a space that has always been available to me, but a space in which I was not always available to see due to the incessant pull to be elsewhere.
I don’t know what is going to happen next, and I have started to relish this way of living. If feels like I am more in alignment with the source of life, and I have a deep resonance running through me that confirms that this source will never let me down – it will take me where I need to be.
I have witnessed for myself that the more faith you have, the more balance and ease you start to feel. Of course, I have read about this many times, and I have come across the Taoist principle of wu wei before, but it is quite another thing to re-visit the teaching after you have experienced it and instantly smile in recognition. It has reaffirmed that we have to experience everything for ourselves, because just “knowing” something isn’t anything like experiencing it. The feeling of “knowing” can actually block something incredible from appearing in the same way that “wanting” something can.
“I know” is a block to the excitement of not knowing. It is a block to allowing life to come and meet you and show you what is has in store for you.
“I don’t know” is a good place to be. “I don’t know” is an opening. “I don’t know” is acceptance that you will never know. And when you accept that you will never know – you accept life as it is.
True certainty is being comfortable in uncertainty, because a lot of our stress and unhappiness is caused by the state of uncertainty. The more we consciously let go and know that the Universe will only lead us to what will serve us, the more we will feel comfortable with uncertainty, and the more we will start to relish in the mystery of uncertainty.
faith is trusting
from my next book “Softening”
It is the letting-in that comes from letting go,
It is an opening, a breath of fresh air.
It is looking straight ahead, and not worrying about
the if or the how,
but simply knowing that it will.
When you stop allowing circumstances to control your life you will dance in the rain
I’m still buzzing from my cold water swim last week, and I’m looking forward to doing it again and building it into my life. I’m in London for a few days, but I will be having another dip next Sunday. I think when you take control of fear, it stops controlling you. It’s certainly still there, but it’s not blocking you in any way. The desire for coming as close to the source of life is too powerful for fear to enter.
I have been thinking a lot this week about these kind of breathtaking moments, and how easy they feel when we simply let go and allow, and allow, and allow.
So much of what we see is overlaid with a projection of how that seeing pertains to “me” that we miss the fullness, and the dimension, and the beauty of what we are seeing. What we’re seeing then appears to be dull.
The invitation is to remove the dullness of the mind, the barriers, the patterns, the desire to get somewhere, so that the mind can operate in its natural fresh, empty state. Remove the blocks to the senses, so that we go back to being the senses.
I had a truly incredible evening in London on Christmas Eve last year. It wasn’t planned, but an outdoor activity popped into my mind spontaneously and I suggested it to my daughter, and we just went along with it. It started raining heavily, and instead of changing the plan, we just carried on – drenched to the bone but reveling in the freedom of it all. There was pure aliveness in those few hours. I experienced a truth that night: you just can’t fight with what you can’t control, but you also can’t allow what you can’t control to block your life. When you “go with the flow” as we did, everything feels like magic.
When you start changing the inside,
the things you have no control over
on the outside become softer.You start to dance in the rain
Softening
instead of shield yourself from it.
A reminder for when part of you is holding you back from taking a leap of faith:
“You are here. And you have travelled here on your own. It was you who pushed yourself when the mind tried to hold you back. It was you who navigated the wild terrain that brought you to your knees, ripped the breath from your mouth, and tore you open again and again. It was you who survived: came away changed, altered, expanded beyond the point of no return. So it is you who must remind yourself every day why you have to keep going—because you want to feel that you are truly living. You want to know that you are inhaling every type of season into your lungs, every single atom of hope, and love, and faith, and beauty; and still have space to experience more.
Some thoughts for you to reflect upon:
- It’s okay to want to stretch, and reach, and grow, and become something more, but don’t abandon yourself in the process. Don’t “depend” on the thing you’re reaching towards to give you the happiness you can find within yourself. Find the happiness in the now, and then what you’re reaching towards will find it’s way to you without any resistance. In the process, you will be able to enjoy the all the other blessings, all the other precious moments because you are not in a state of waiting for the one thing you think will make you happy.
- It’s okay to desire excitement and adventure, but be aware if you are desiring it as a way of distracting yourself from your current reality. Be aware if your attention is only focused on excitement and adventure because the ordinary, simple, beautiful moments of life will start to look dull to you.
- If you are searching for contentment in the future, sit with yourself for a few minutes each day and find out what pain you are avoiding within yourself. When you are able to face your pain, you will be able to start the process of releasing that pain so that you can become available for the life you deserve to live.
- It’s okay to let your mind wander – to take a break from reality, to daydream, and imagine. But don’t do it as a way of escaping unresolved inner pain. Emotional discomfort rarely occurs in presence. It occurs when you are not present – when you are thinking about the past, or worrying about the future. Allowing your mind to wander, could be causing more discomfort than you realise.
- The source of life is always here, waiting for you to return, and readily available to help you and guide you through each moment.
You can read more about the weight of pain here.
A reminder:
Wanting what you don’t have, and not having what you want and are very different states
Wanting what you don’t have is the state that causes the most suffering – the suffering happens in the space between the wanting and the having. This space is perceived as separation. Once the having is reached, peace and happiness arise, not because the thing you wanted has been received, but because the wanting has ceased – the agitation, the restlessness, the hunger has been relieved.
Peace and happiness are your natural state of being, and this state is always there in the background. It is inherently free to arise, become enlivened, absorbed. But the wanting acts as a block, a blanket covering over this state.
Some snippets of my life:
A lesson I’ve been reflecting upon lately:
If you are betrayed by someone after letting them in, showing them your scars, your vulnerability, your heart, then know that you have not betrayed yourself. You have grown. You have opened up a new space in your own healing journey.
A quote I resonate with this week:
“The major adventure is to claim your authentic,
true being, which is not culturally given to you.
The culture will not explain to you how to be a
real human being. It will tell you how to be
banker, politician, Indian chief, masseuses,
actress, whatever, but it will not give you true
being.” – Terence McKenna
Nuggets of wisdom / tender reminders:
♡ With a clear mind, life takes care of itself.
♡ Each time you see a blessing that shows up for you – stop, pause, and honor the blessing. Take a moment to reflect on how privileged you are to be here on this wild and magical planet.
♡ Control is exhausting. Disappointment is shattering. Expectations are barriers to better blessings.
♡ Think about the word open. When you say “I’m open to this”, or “I’m open to just going with the flow” etc, visualise what this space looks like: you are open – all barriers of fear, doubt, expectation have fallen away. You are open – your heart is open, your mind is open, your arms are open. You are in a state of true receptivity.
♡ Get lost every once in a while – go for a long walk without a map. Turn away from the path and take a detour. Ramble without any end in mind.
♡ “To be lost in the wilderness of yourself is the most beautiful place to be.”
This week, I’ve been grateful for:
Women like Kate Revere, founder of a beautiful and unique shop in Stoke Newington: Revere the Residence. I fell in love with the ethos of this enterprise and you can read the story here.
It’s an honor to be here sharing my words with you, and I am incredibly grateful for the time you have taken to read.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to expand and grow into this new space. For following along, for reading my work. Feel free to keep in touch: april@bloomforyourself.co.uk
Sending love and light always, April xxx